I recently read an interesting comment from a director at Pixar, Andrew Stanton about his views about creating content in the animated movie industry.  Below is an excerpt from the article which I first saw on Ragnar Tornquist’s website:

The day we start thinking about what the audience wants, we’re going to make bad choices. We’ve always holed ourselves up in a building for 4 years and ignored the rest of the world, because nobody are bigger movie geeks than we are, so we know exactly what we are dying to see with our family and kids. We don’t need other people to tell us that. We trust the audience member in ourselves.

Anyway, I have to say that I agree with this statement full-heartedly.  I have personally experienced games being made at companies based solely on user testing.  It’s truly amazing to see a game designed with passion and excitement by the team involved and seeing it destroyed by integrating too much marketing, user testing, and what people think the audience wants.  What started out with some really interesting characters, storyline, and gameplay got morphed into something that was flat, boring, and in general no one on the team liked.

It always amazes me how marketing has the innate ability to turn something that is marketable into something that is completely unappealing based purely on market research.  Furthermore, I have also seen how “making what the audience wants” has severely impacted the development of a game that people on the team thought was good.  This in the end lead to detrimental results.

Beyond just making something that appeals to an audience, I think there is something to be said for creative content created by a sole visionary.  Having a singularity of vision is another reason why creating something for an audience can be particularly bad.

Sometimes in your life you have to make tough decisions.  Sometimes you see into the future and the answer isn’t clear.  Afterwards, when you look back, you know it was the right decision.  I’m so sick of fighting the inevitable.  My mind says one thing, but my heart says something else.  We waste too much time thinking, never doing… life is an experience, but too often, the choices we make are not clear.

How long must I waver to make a decision?  How much is enough time to know if something is right and something is wrong.  I don’t have the answers.  No one does.  Will taking more time give me a better idea?  What does it mean when some days I want so badly to do one thing, then the next day, I feel the opposite path is the correct one.

One day I will get tired of deciding and just make a decision.  Be it good or bad, it will be my choice.  It will affect my present as much as it will affect my future.  I’m sick of responsibility, I’m sick of obligation.  People spend all their time thinking about how to fulfill one thing or another.  It’s hard to think of yourself anymore when everyone else makes you feel like crap for being selfish.  People need to stop thinking about this as a competition where you win or lose.

So I’m sitting here contemplating what to do next with my independent game.  I think making a game is similar to writing a book or making a movie in that in all of these creative pursuits you hit a point where you have developed enough but just don’t know where to take it after that.

I find myself in this exact position.  What do I do next?  I feel like there is a brick wall standing in my way, preventing me from seeing the brilliance that lies ahead.  How do writers get past their writer’s blocks?  What I need to do is just keep on writing.  The hope is that if I just keep on writing, something will come out that will be good.  Even if I can’t see the destination at this point, I need to push ahead in order to make this work.

After Chinese New Year, it has been hard to reset and get back into the working mentality again.  You really have to convince yourself to move forward.  So, little by little, I’m just gonna push past this wall.  Once I get over the hump, it will be no problem.  Right now, the wall seems insurmountable… or even possibly not worth climbing.  Nonetheless, I am going to push through this.  I still believe I am doing something really revolutionary.  Only time will tell the answers, and I’ve just gotta go with my gut.

What does it mean to have differing “Life Goals”, and how important is it to a relationship?  There are so many questions in life.  It’s good to be accepting of everyone, but at what point do you draw the line and say that there are some things that you need in a relationship.

In the end, I’m happy… but is that enough?  Happiness is so subjective.  There are some cores to people that you just can’t change.  Someone’s view on life (heaviliy influenced by culture, upbringing, religion) are some of these.  If two people have very different cores, can they resolve it with each other and still be together?

This is the question that I am facing.  This is the question that I need to figure out.  I’m not the type of person who tries to sugar coat stuff.  I’m blunt and really believe that if you do something do it well, and do it right.  If you are going to do something, do it well or else don’t bother.  There’s just no point in doing a mediocre job at something, since someone else can do it better.

I’m not sure where this path is leading.  It really can go either way.  We look at it now, and we are both scared that this difference is inevitable.  Will we ever know 100% for certain.  I seriously doubt it.  If it is not meant to be, then I would rather not waste my time.  But right now, things are uncertain.  I’m happy, but realistic.  Is it that I just expect too much from people?  Is it that, when I am with someone, I want them to be so much more?  Is it wrong for me to have such high expectations of people?  I really just can’t say.

All I know is that it would be easier to keep my big mouth shut and not say anything at all.  I would offend less people, be more accepting, and just assume the negative until proven positive.  But, at my core, I feel I am inherently an optimistic person.  I really do believe that people can and should achieve more than what they think they can.  It can be inspiring to some, but it can be extremely negative to others.  I’m not sure where that line is.  Am I pushing people to be better people?  Yes, I am!  But why?  I think it has something to do  with the fact that, me, being a motivated individual, needs help in staying motivated.  What is the best way of staying motivated?  The best way is by surrounding myself by the motivated people.

Great people don’t work alone.  I know not everyone needs or wants to be a great person, and that type of personality is hard for me to resolve with.  Why is it that people don’t care about what they do?  Or is it that people just don’t think work is that important in their lives?  If so, why spend over 8 hours a day working it?  I’ve said before, I wouldn’t be happy just staying in one place, content with the status quo, willing to just go with the flow and let the river take me where it’s heading.  I don’t know why, but this is something very core to me.  It’s one of those things that I wish I could change, but realize I can’t.

I told a friend the following:

It’s like I’m rowing upstream, when everyone else is going downstream… then those people are looking back and taunting me pointing out how much further they have gone on the river.

I hate that feeling, that what I am doing isn’t right.  I know I’m a hippocrite telling other people what they should do, and at the same time feeling bad when other people tell me what to do.  It’s wierd in that way.  My world has to be consistent within my world view.  I try to surround myself with people who are consistent with it, I’m sure this is true for everyone.  My problem is that I can’t sit and watch other people be miserable.  If they are happy and going after what they really want in life, I have no problem.  It is those people who aren’t, but are convincing themselves that what they are doing will make them happy.  Who am I to judge, but would it be right to just be a sycophant and not say anything?

I know, I should be more accepting, but where does accepting become sycophantic?  I know I shouldn’t tell people what they should do… I’m trying to think of the selfish reasons why I do it.  In the end, it comes down to the fact that I suggest to people things in order to see how they will react.  People choose the people around them.  Just like a friend who always picks good movies, I create a consistent image of someone based on their opinions.  If someone is unhappy and not doing what they love, it forms a framework around that person.  It’s like a lense that I start seeing the person through.  Similarly, if someone goes after their dreams, it forms a framework around that person.  For me, I need to be around doers rather than sayers, dreamers rather than realists, leaders rather than followers, passionate people rather than apathetic ones.

I’m not sure where this path is going.  I’ve always believed in experimentation.  If you really want to know something, you just have to try it and find out.  I’m not one to listen to others and avoid things that they say to avoid.  I’m not one to prolong things longer than they need to be.  One of my most influential professors, Randy Pausch, once said:

I got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than any of the ones that I did accomplish.

…

When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you, it means they gave up.

…

Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care.

…

Fail early and fail often.

~Excerpts from Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture

I guess all I can do now is to go down this path.  Whether I like it or not, whether other’s like it or not.  I won’t be happy unless I’m going for something, and I need to surround myself with people that are visionary, that believe in something.

Sometimes I wonder how much of someone’s life is the culture they come from and how much is of their own making.  Being American, I’ve always been brought up to believe that you are what you make of yourself… no one, not family, not friends, not society can tell you who you are and dictate your life decisions.  But, I meet people every day that tell me that “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be X” (insert culture or race in the X) or  “You don’t understand what it is like to have so much responsibility” or “You grew up in such a priveleged society, so you have no idea.”

It really bugs me when people say that.  For one, they have given up on the idea of explaining their choices and decisions.  I’ve always believed that every decision in life needs to have a logical reason behind it.  It just has to make sense.  When someone can’t explain why they are doing something, it just makes me think that they don’t really care about themselves or their dreams.  I still strongly believe that you are what you make of yourself.  Everyone likes to tell you how to live your life or that you need to do such and such.  If you listen to all of that, then of course you are going to feel like you have great responsibilities.  If you do the much harder thing and listen to yourself, then the responsibility is only to yourself.

I would say that a staggeringly high percentage of people I know (nearly 90%) can’t convince themselves that if they really want something, they can get it, and they can get it right now.  People are really good at giving excuses… and not many people are good at doing anything.  Growing up in the U.S. isn’t about being priveleged, it’s about being taught that if you have a dream, you go after it… responsibilities or not, what matters is the journey.

I know this isn’t the case in other countries, and I often wonder if I had grown up in other countries if I would think just like the people I know from these countries.  Would I feel that responsibility takes precedence over personal fulfillment?  Somehow, I feel this part of me is so core to who I am that I would feel the same even if I had grown up in a “less priveleged” society.  Then, these people couldn’t use the excuse that “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have so much responsibility.”  You define your own responsibilities.  The responsibilities don’t define you.

Why is it that the most interesting people in life are the people that want, no need, something out of life?  There are some people in life who just passively live life, and then there are those people who actively live it.  What do I mean?

Someone who passively lives life is someone who is so contented with the way things are, or so unmotivated to do anything about their current life, that they just let life happen to them.  Someone who actively lives life is someone who needs something out of living… maybe it’s a thrill, maybe it’s a dream, maybe it’s a passion.  People who actively live life are not happy unless they get something out of life, and they are willing to go out on a limb to pursue it.  It’s something that emanates from every fibre of their being.

The people who want something out of life are the most interesting because they are looking for something.  Maybe I identify with it because they are risk takers… they are movers.  To them, it’s worse to stay in one place, job, situation too long even if it means the next thing might be less satisfying.  What makes it worth it is that they are going somewhere, and there is a direction to it.  The passive liver convinces themselves that they are on top of the mountain and that there is nothing more to see.  The active liver always believes that there is something more if they just keep on climbing.  Even if they are at the top, they never stop wondering if there is more and pursuing it.  You can never go back down the mountain.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance

…

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making

Don’t let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider

…

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance

~Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

It seems like when I am happy I have a lot less to write about.  I really can’t think of a point in my life where I felt so content and happy with the way things are.  I’m not in the location that I dreamt about, but still, I am doing what I enjoy and I am with a person that really makes me happy to be who I am.  I watched No Reservations again with Angel last night.  One quote from it stuck in my mind:

Kate:
I wish there was a cookbook for life… the recipes telling us exactly what to do.  I know, I know, you’re gonna say… how else can we learn.

Therapist:
Actually, I wasn’t going to say that.  You want to guess again?

Kate:
No no, go ahead.

Therapist:
What I was gonna say was… you know better than anyone.  It’s the recipes you create yourself that are the best.

I’ve created my own recipes for life.  I hope the result are good.  I stopped listening to what people told me I should be doing a long time ago.  I stopped caring what people think.  In the end what matters is what I think… and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life for it.  For some reason, when I am happy, I have less stuff to write about.  I guess the majority of my writing ends up being rants of some sort or another.  When I have nothing to complain about, I just don’t have much to say.

So, I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t have much to write.  It means that I’ve reached a point in my life where I am truly happy.  I really hope this lasts.  I’ve finally found the balance that I’ve been looking for in life.  I’ve started cooking almost every day for me and my girlfriend.  I’m spending time working on a game that is finally my own.  And honestly, there are worse places in the world I could have set up shop than Kuala Lumpur (see posts about Singapore).

For the first time in my life I feel truly free.  I’ve been working so hard since I was a little, but only now do I really feel in control of my own destiny.  It’s a good feeling to be master of my own destiny.  It’s a scary feeling too.  I’m not sure what will happen with me, and I really don’t know where this road is heading.  All I know is that this a road that I have to travel down.  It’s a path that I need to take in order to be happy.  These are the following big changes in my life:

1. Moved in with my girlfriend.  This is the first time that I have ever really lived with someone that I was romantically involved with.
2. Left the startup that I was doing because of my partner being over focused on money over games.
3. Starting my own game project and hoping to hire an artist when the time comes to polish the game up.  Go team of one!

So these are the big changes for the New Years.  I’m not sure what will happen from now on.  I need to stay motivated and focused.  My goal is that at the end of the year, I will have something that I am really proud to show people… something that is truly about me.  It’s a completely artistic and selfish wish, but it is my own, and that is what matters.

Maybe it’s because I spent Christmas alone this year. Maybe it’s because I’ve never met anyone like her before. She is the most amazing person that has ever crossed my path. It reminded me of a scene from one of my favorite movies Great Expectations:

Is it possible to love someone so much that you would give up your past, your family, and everything? What’s it mean to be a success and accomplish your dreams. More and more, I’m realizing that my dreams are including Angel. Before I met her, I thought that I could live alone and be happy. But, more and more, I see my future not as me, but as us. I realized that all this pursuit of my dreams… it was all to find someone else who supported and facilitated those dreams.

If I ever accomplish my dreams, the accomplishment isn’t important. It’s who I get to share my dreams with that matters. I miss her a lot these days. How do you know when two people are in love? The answer is simple… you don’t. When two people are in love, there’s no one thing that can describe that love. All you have left is how you feel.

To feel so passionate about someone… isn’t it the same as feeling so passionate about a dream. If you can really believe in your dreams, only then can you be passionately in love with someone. That’s when “everything I do, I do it for you… anything that might be special in me… is you.”