The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

~Tyrell, Blade Runner

Is it true that something that burns brightly will last a shorter amount of time?  I find myself facing this question in the near future.  In a few weeks, Angel will leave the US for good.  She is by far the best girlfriend that I have ever had, and definitely the coolest girlfriend I know (I mean, I can’t think of a cooler girlfriend, really).

Anyway, the light between us has burned quite brightly, but it is in the back of both of our minds that maybe the reason this relationship is so intense is because we have such a short time together.  When we got together, there was always the understanding that this would probably end up being a long distance relationship.  The more time I spend with Angel, the harder it is for me to cope with the idea of a long distance relationship.

On the other hand, I can’t see any other way of resolving my passions in life with my love for her.  So, in about 2 weeks, she heads back to Malaysia, and in a month, I head out to follow my dreams around the world and eventually back in Australia.  We won’t see each other again for half a year.  When a relationship is this intense, it makes us wonder whether it will be the same when we see each other again.

I really hope I feel the same, and she feels the same too.  It’s just that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before… and I really like the way it feels.  This is the type of relationship I want to be in.  But, it is a scary thought that it might not be the same when I get back to her.  Everything I know tells me that this is right.  And all I want is some reassurance or a guarantee… but we both know there are no guarantees in life.

For those who know me, this is a familiar state for me to be in.  I’m confused!  I’m not sure I know why or how I got into this state… well, alright, I do know why I’m confused.  But, it’s not easy for me to explain it.

If everything were clear, if everything were straightforward, would life be as fun?  But then again, I wouldn’t be sad like I am now.  I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life.  For that, I am so grateful.  The confusion comes when I want to be with someone, when I want to be somewhere, but I just can’t for some reason.  And sometimes, the desire to be with a person, means you have to hurt other people in the process.

I’m not sure if I will ever understand this myself.  There are things that I need out of any relationship, be it friends or something more.  And, I strive for these things with every fibre of my being.  Reminds me of a quote from Great Expectations:

Lets say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand she was taught to fear - Let’s say she was taught to fear daylight.  She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her.  And then one sunny day… you ask her to go outside and play, and she won’t.  You can’t be angry at her, can you?

Well, I’ve seen the sunlight, and I’ve spent a long time looking in the dark trying to find the sunlight again.

There is something that has been bothering me for a while now.  It’s something that I have to deal with in real life.  When you break up with someone, is it ok to still be friends with the person, or is it better to end hating each other?  Furthermore, if you love someone that is not in love with you, is it better to let them go or to stick around in the hopes that someday it will be something more?  I started thinking about it because of this quote:

Eun-Jae: Do you remember me saying the best thing I did in my life was not holding on to your hand?  I shouldn’t have held your hand… Then…

Hyung-Sun: Then? I would’ve died.  I would’ve died… because I need your love.

Eun-Jae: I’m going to move out now.  You told me to move out slowly.  But, I can’t even do you that favor.  Remember me… the one who always hurt you, and made you lonely.  And with that memory, get rid of me… from your heart.

~Only You (Episode 11)

Some people say you can’t even just be friends with someone you are attracted to.  How sad.  There is so much to learn from both sides of a relationship.  But it definitely confuses me.  It made me remember another quote from one of my favorite Japanese dramas:

I don’t believe in platonic male-female friendship.  I once said this earlier but… a platonic male-female relationship is either bad timing or an everlasting one-sided love.

~Momo-chan to Minami, Long Vacation (Episode 9)

So therin lies the problem.  How do you know that something is bad timing as opposed to everlasting one-sided love?  In one case, it could be worth it to stick around in the hopes that one day the timing will be right.  In the other case, it is better for both parties to separate from each other forever.  It is truly a dilemma.  I wish I had an answer.

I’m going to confess… I’m addicted to Korean Dramas.  There’s something about the way the stories are told that are so true to life.  I keep finding things in them that cut to the core of raw human emotions.

Su Yeon: How can you be so understanding and patient like that?  Don’t you even get angry?

Hyun-Sun: I am angry… but it doesn’t matter.  The person who’s more in love is the weaker one.

Su Yeon: I think the one who’s more in love is the stronger one, because that person can do anything to win the love.

~Only You (Episode 8 )

Talk about the story of my life… I’ve been on both sides before, so I know what it’s like, but I’ve never felt stronger for being in love with someone.  For the longest time, I wouldn’t admit that I loved anyone… and I still don’t.

Is it because I feel weaker for feeling that way?  Is it because I feel like I’m not in control?  Maybe with the right person, you don’t feel weaker for being in love… maybe with the right person, you feel like a better you, you feel happy you are who you are.

I just saw Elizabethtown again, and I still love it.  It really captures a lot of life in it.  I love movies that make you think and Elizabethtown definitely makes you think.  In the movie they really cover the idea of failure and substitute people.  It covers failure because the main character starts out by losing Mercury shoe company $1 billion dollars.  One of the most memorable scenes for me is when Claire is leaving Drew:

Claire: So you failed.
Drew: You don’t get it.
Claire: Alright, you really failed.  You failed, you failed, you failed. You failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you failed, you… You think I care about that?  I do understand.  You’re an artist man, your job is to break through barriers.  Not accept blame and bow and say: “Thank you I’m a loser, I’ll go away now”
…
Claire: You want to be really great?  Then have the courage to fail big and stick around.  Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.  That’s true greatness to me.

It makes me wonder whether failing big is its own reward.  If you can’t fail big, maybe it’s not worth taking the risk in the first place.  I guess I’m on the edge of a precipice in my life and career.  I want to take some chances and I want to fail big.  Of course I would love to succeed, but if I fail big, I think I’ll be happy too.  I’ve always thought of myself as an artist that draws in interaction instead of paint, and I’ve always thought that I could find a way to break through barriers somehow.

Another topic that really rung a bell with me in Elizabethtown was the idea of substitute people.  Can you be a substitute person for someone?  Am I a substitute person, or a substitue person for someone else?  Sometimes I feel like a substitute person… like I’m not the one that’s really supposed to be there.  Or sometimes, I feel like I need a substitute person… to fill in for the person that I don’t have.

In any case, the ending of Elizabethtown is to die for.  It’s the way I want to go.

I know sometimes the things I write about are pretty random, but something I saw today, and someone I talked to today really made me think.  First I’ll tell you what happened.  It was a very simple thing.  I was getting my lunch at a bagel shop, and a guy and a girl that I had never met before were kissing each other nonstop right in front of the store.  They kept at it for a couple of minutes before they left the table at the front of the coffee shop.  Anyway, it reminded me of this one quote from Chasing Amy where Holden McNeil is playing darts with Alyssa Jones:

Holden: [Looking at two people making out on Banky’s car] Kind of gives you a charge though.  Seeing two people like that in love. And all over Banky’s car, no less.  You know that car’s seeing more action right now than its seen in years.

Alyssa: [Sarcastically in reference to Banky] Bubbly guy like that, it’s hard to figure out why.

Holden: You gotta respect that kind of display of affection.  You know what I mean?  Sure it’s crazy, it’s rude, it’s self absorbed.  But, uh, you know it’s love.

Alyssa: It’s not love.

Holden: Oh says you.

Alyssa: That out there? That’s fleeting.

I think I’m beginning to understand this more and more.  And I think I agree with Alyssa’s viewpoint.  Love is not about convincing the rest of the world that you are in love.  It doesn’t take romance or public displays of affection.  All it takes is a real understanding of each other… a real connection.  There have been very few couples that have convinced me of their love.  Maybe it’s because I’m so cynical now. :(  Or maybe it’s because too many couples base their relationships on fairy tale ideals of romance.  When things are wrong, they feel the need to justify their love not only to themselves but to the world as well by showing it… by showing how happy they really are.  So the couples that I know that are really in love, often don’t show it.

It shows automatically in the fact that they hang out with each other, they have similar tastes and friends, and most importantly, they didn’t change much because they are in the relationship.  That last point especially… I think I know maybe one person that hasn’t changed significantly by being in a relationship.

Ragnor Tornquist wrote an article about What Women Want where he said:

Here’s a medium - probably one of the most powerful and influential media the human race will ever come up with - completely dominated by men…on both sides of the screen: creators, stars, and players. If we can’t get women to work in the industry, and if we can’t get women to play our games, why don’t we at least put women - realistic, interesting, powerful, vulnerable, flawed, beautiful, plain women - into our games?

I can’t help but respect Ragnar for his thoughts… there is something that is really amazing about the way he thinks and he is truly one of the few game designers that is actively trying to do something about the lack of females in the gaming industry or gaming at all.  I feel really strongly about this issue.  The games industry has a real problem.  More increasingly it is becoming a marginalized industry.  If it cannot appeal to female gamers on a mass market scale, then games will never be a true entertainment medium.

It is always very hard to take a stance like this… especially given that I’m not female.  Whenever I talk to women about this issue, I always feel like they think I’m just saying it to be nice.  I always feel like I should hide my real interest in the issue.  One reason to have more women into games is that it would be nicer to have more women in the games industry workplace, but that is not the real reason I personally want to see more women into gaming.  The real reason I think it is important to get women into games is a purely selfish one for me.

I happen to be falling further and further away from the mainstream gaming market.  Increasingly, I find that the games being sold don’t interest me anymore.  In fact, most of the games that inspired me are the old point and click adventure games.  I’m not great at skill, twitch, or strategy games.  What made me want to make games has always been to get a good story.  In that sense, the type of games that I like are the types of games that tend to appeal to the stereotypical female gamer: puzzles, story, non-action based, more cooperative or non-competetive.

So, given what I know about what I like, it’s clear to me that making games that can appeal to females will ultimately be the same as making games that would appeal to me.  I know it’s a confuzzled string of logic, but it makes sense to me.

To some people, love is like a piece of gum.  They spit it out after they’ve chewed up all its sweetness.  But some people risk their lives for love.  Consider yourself punished.

~Moo Hyuk to Min-Joo in I’m Sorry I Love You (Episode 9)

It’s so interesting to see different peoples’ views on love.  It makes me wonder whether anyone truly understands it.

Yun Hee: To like someone, to love, is that much time really necessary?
Tae-Jun: Well it must differ for everyone.
Yun Hee: If you’re really in love, does it stay unchanged even following a separation?
Tae-Jun: I think that depends on the person too.
Yun Hee: “Unchanging love,” “everlasting love” Do such things really exist?
Tae-Jun: I haven’t experienced it yet.
Yun Hee: What are unrequited love and requited love?
Tae-Jun: Marriage?
Yun Hee: Marriage implies love’s completion?
Tae-Jun: That’s possible.
Yun Hee: Then what’s divorce?
Tae-Jun: A defective marriage.
Yun Hee: If marriage is completion, it shouldn’t crumble.
Tae-Jun: Maybe.
Yun Hee: Then marriage is no completion.  In true love, being in love itself can be a completion.  I can do that.
Tae-Jun: By yourself?
Yun Hee: [nods]
Tae-Jun: I hope your pure heart stays uninjured for a long time.

~excerpt from Hotelier (episode 19)

For some reason I really think this is true… maybe true love is completion itself, even if the other person doesn’t feel the same way.