Well, I haven’t posted to this blog in so long. But I have an excuse. I just finished traveling around the world. Now I’m dealing with the pressures of starting up my own company in Singapore and living in Singapore. Trust me, the second part is much harder than the first, but both are presenting a lot of challenges.

I’m realizing a lot about what type of person I am and what type of person I prefer to be around. I think I fit squarely into the middle class American demographic. I like living in a moderately sized house, having greenery around, and associating with people who are not so concerned about money and status. Unfortunately, here in Singapore I have none of that.

I didn’t think the transition would be so jarring for me. Someone once told me that “Singapore is the most Westernized Asian country.” Maybe it’s true in terms of language (almost everyone here speaks some English), but in terms of living style it is definitely not Westernized. People live in big buildings called HDBs. Almost no one owns a house here except for the multi-millionaires. Which brings me to another point that really bothers me about Singapore: People are obsessed with status, work, and money here. A friend of my girlfriend once said “It’s like Singapore is filled with a bunch of clones.” And to be honest, trying to avoid stereotyping, it’s fairly true.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been introduced to people as “XXX, who went to (unnamed prestigious American university), who worked at (unnamed high paying consulting firm), who’s now working for his/her Dad’s company which makes (ungodly sum of money) per year.” The implication then is of course that they automatically deserve respect and in some ways are better than you. Ugh, this is the problem with starting up a business with a guy who has only really grown up in upper class society. He can never really understand what it is like to be middle class. He can never understand why we don’t talk about that stuff, and why that stuff is much less important than the person. And, he can never understand why the life of the upper class is not the type of life I want to have or aspire to achieve.

But, I think it’s a very Asian attribute to put achievements, status, and education before anything else about the person. I know I’ve said so many great things about Australian culture (and I am trying to cut down because it makes my business partner all depressed because I can’t say much good about Singaporean culture), but Australians seem to care much less about achievements, status, and education. They focus on the person… on the events experienced together. They focus more on life.

Furthermore, though I have met some middle class Singaporeans (not through my business partner obviously… all his friends are filthy rich and dreadfully boring), there is another thing that bothers me about Singaporeans. I couldn’t put my finger on it until my Singaporean friend told me about a term for it: No U-Turn Syndrome. I really see it now that we are trying to hire creative people for our company. The problem is that Singapore hasn’t promoted creative pursuits ever. In fact, with how orderly society runs, they discourage it. Singaporeans are taught since birth that if you follow a certain path through life, you will be happy and successful. They are not encouraged to “find their own way” like in the US.

So, what it comes down to is that it’s really hard to find anyone creative here. Recently, the Singaporean government has mandated that people “be creative.” But unfortunately, that’s not how true creative pursuits work. You can’t tell people “be creative”, you just have to give them the freedom and let them explore their own passions. I wonder whether you can have a creative society without it having many freedoms. Singapore is obviously a very orderly society, but how much freedom does its people have? The government has a vested interest now in promoting creativity among its people. But, can it maintain the strict control over people’s lives while at the same time promoting creative pursuits among its people?

I think Singapore realizes that their previous push towards technology is not enough. There are tons of graduates every year in IT or some other technical skill. But all these jobs are moving to cheaper countries such as India. What Singapore is realizing is that the country’s monetary and cultural wealth is contingent more on its ideas than on anything else. This is where the US excels in, and where it makes a lot of its wealth from is in its ideas. I have heard Singapore described as a “city without culture.” You can’t have a culture without promoting creative pursuits. Everything in Singapore is really just stolen from another culture’s traditions. There is nothing really distinctive about Singapore’s food or traditions. So in the grander scheme of things, Singapore’s lack of creativity translates directly into a lack of culture.

I have two weeks to make a very important decision in my life.  Two roads… they both are good options, but each has advantages and disadvantages unique to each.  The five variables are who, what, where, when,and why.  Here are the options:

1. Option #1: The Money Man
   Who: I will be closer to someone I love (3 hour drive). Will be able to work fulltime with a business partner.
   What: I will be doing something I love.
   Where: I will be in a place that I don’t love (50% less than “where” in Option #2)
   When: This will delay me getting citizenship in the place I love.
   Why: To do a startup with a former classmate.
2. Option #2: The Cliff Diver
   Who: I will be further from someone I love (7 hour flight). Will be able to work parttime with a business partner.
   What: I will be doing something I love.
   Where: I will be in a place that I love.
   When: This will speed up getting citizenship in the place I love.
   Why: To be able do what I love without market constraints.

So, what should I do?  Option #1 has 3 positives and 2 negatives.  Option #2 has 4 positives and 1 negative.  I wrote a quote to my friend:

life is unexpected… predicting the future is like trying to control life, when all it needs is to be let go.

If I let go, which option rises to the top?  I’m really confused, but I have 2 weeks to decide this once and for all.  Neither one is a well travelled path.  If anything maybe Option #1 is the more well worn one… but that is no reason to take it either.  Let the countdown to destiny begin.

I went back to Melbourne a week and a half ago.  I was worried that I wouldn’t like it as much.  I was worried that things would have changed, that people would have changed.  But, somehow it still felt the same.  I still felt the same exhilaration and relief when I stepped off of the plane.  I still felt the stress flow out of my body.  Some of the people had changed or moved. Some of the buildings had changed.  Some of the restaurants were different.  In the end, I still love Melbourne.

It’s an intangible feeling.  A feeling you only get when you feel like you’ve finally found a home.  Do other people feel this way about Melbourne?  Do other people see what it is?  Eight months in San Francisco, and I thought I lost something.  But I hadn’t, it was just dormant until I found my way back.

I found a replacement finally.  She’s not so much a replacement as someone unique and refreshing in her own way.  I love that about her.  We have differences, but I appreciate those differences.  I think she really understands me… she understands what makes me tick.  I can be happy with her… and she makes me feel happy too.  What happens when my desire for home and my desire for companionship are at odds with each other?  I don’t know… but I will find out soon.

I can’t believe it!  I’ve been published in a book!  This is the first time that I have ever been published in a book.  It’s really exciting seeing my name in print.  The book is called: Getting Out: Your Guide to Leaving America.  It’s wierd to see how I felt nearly two years ago when I first went to Australia.  It seems like an eternity ago, but I still feel the same.  Here’s a quote:

It seemed like people in the U.S. were so focused on making money that they forgot what was really important in life.  It felt like success was measured by how much money you made, how fast of a car you drove, how much plastic surgery you’ve had, and how hot your wife/husband is.  It just seemed like such a fake society.  I didn’t leave the U.S. for a better job, I left the U.S. for a better life.

Strangely enough, despite it all, I am back in the U.S. again, mainly because the jobs are better here.  It may seem hippocritical, but when I was in Australia, I still yearned for a better job.  If I couldn’t have both, then I couldn’t stay in Australia.

This wasn’t the way things were planned, but somehow life seems to throw us curveballs.  The only thing you can do is to keep a clear perspective and reach for your goals.  There are always setbacks along the way, but as long as you are heading the right direction… maybe that’s all that matters in the end.

So I was going to talk about a game Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney which I just played for the second time because I am about to get the second part soon Phoenix Wright: Justice For All.  Instead, I just heard some really big news for me… one of those moments that takes your breath away, yet one of those moments that you feel so helpless to do anything about.  So, here’s my story:

When I was in Melbourne, I met this one girl… lets call her D.  At first, I didn’t know too much about her.  I thought she was too quite and shy, but I was really curious and wanted to find out more.  I saw her every day (since she worked at my company), and eventually we got to talking with each other.  I found out she had a boyfriend, and we went to lunch with others from my company every once in a while.  One time, we went into the city to buy a present for a friend’s birthday.  It was just me, another coworker, and D.  We eventually decided to buy a board game, which both me and D were really into.  Like I said, I was very interested in talking with her, after all there aren’t many women in the games industry.  I really respect that fact, and the fact that she is a programmer no less!  Anyway, after we bought the present, the other coworker had to go, and I asked D whether she wanted to go get dinner.

This was the first and only time I actually ate dinner with her alone.  Other times, I went with a group.  In any case we got to talking… we started talking about the games we liked and what our goals in life were.  I still remember the exact location we were at… sitting outside on the balcony of Chilli Padi.  It’s one of those moments you run through your head forever.  I’ve never met someone that I have so much in common with.  It was like she knew me already; it was like I knew her.  Something really struck me that moment… this was someone that I wanted to be around.  This was someone that I needed to be around.

Afterwards, we went to get dessert at my favorite chocolate cafe, Max Brenner.  Funny how food reminds me of things.  I remember we both wanted to get dark hot chocolate drinks, and we both wanted to get a chocolate souffle but were too full to eat a whole one… so we shared!  I decided to enquire more about her boyfriend.  It was something that was bothering me the whole evening.  I wanted to know… no, I needed to know… who the lucky guy was to have snagged someone like D.  We started talking about how important it is to have dreams… how could she read my life like a book?  How did she know?  I decided to tell her about the girlfriend I had recently broken up with, lets call her M.  M had been a good friend in college and we started dating the year I graduated.  After that it was a long distance relationship from then on out.  What bothered me about my relationship with M was not the fact that it was a long distance relationship, it was the fact that she had such a hard time figuring out what she wanted to do in life.  I am a very goal oriented person, and I just couldn’t resolve the fact that the person I was with had no idea what they wanted.  It made me wonder whether she really wanted me.  If she couldn’t be sure about anything, how could she be sure about me.  In any case, when I told my story, D opened her eyes up wide and said that she understood exactly how I felt… because it was the same thing between her and her boyfriend.

I wish I could have told her how I felt at that moment.  I wish I could feel that comfortable with someone forever, but she had a boyfriend, and she was my coworker (not only that, but I kind of could be considered a manager to her).  From then on, we talked a lot, hung out at board games meetups, and discussed books and games that we were both into.  When I left my company, I was leaving two things I loved behind… Melbourne and D.  I wish she knew that.  From then on, we went our separate ways.  Like me, D was a traveler,  I came here to SF, she went to Singapore.  I never had a chance to tell her the truth.

The big event that I found out today was that she broke up with her boyfriend.  I wish I knew how she felt about me.  I would leave on a plane tomorrow if I knew she felt any part of the way I felt for her.  You don’t meet people like that every day.  It’s not every day you meet your soulmate.  Do I regret not telling her?  I do… I regret a lot of things.  I’m not a smooth talker and I’m not a romantic, but in my heart of hearts, I know that there is someone out there that knows me… really knows me.  Maybe one day we will meet again, and it won’t just be bad timing or an everlasting one sided love.  So, you wouldn’t think I would be able to gain inspiration from a video game themed around being a lawyer, but I did.  Phoenix Wright said:

No one can change the past.

The only thing we can do is strive to make up for our mistakes.

Why must we make up for our mistakes, you ask?

Because in so doing… we can find our way back to our path,

And once we’ve found our path, we can move on from our past mistakes towards a brighter future.

I look forward to this brighter future… wherever and whenever it is.

I’ve always found it strange that I tend to associate food and places together.  For example, I can remember my favorite Pho and sushi places in the place I grew up.  I can remember the best burrito place in the place I went to university.  I can remember the great pancakes where I went to graduate school.  I can remember the pasta and barbeque places I loved around Seattle.  I can remember the European breakfast, chocolate cafes, and ethnic foods in Melbourne.  This brings me back to San Francisco.  I started trying to go back to all the places I used to love when I was here before.  Pompeii’s clam chowder, the Naan n’ Curry on Irving, the Cheeseboard Pizza in Berkeley, and even chain places like Tony Roma’s ribs, Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, and the Zuppa Toscana soup at Olive Garden.

The reason I bring this up is that I attempted for the first time since coming back to go back to Olive Garden.  Unfortunately due to the ridiculous crowds on Friday night, I failed miserably.  But I did get to go back to Auntie Anne’s.  Those are some good pretzels!  I have to admit, there are things I miss about living in the US.  They still don’t outweigh all of the negatives of living here though.  For example, I was taking a bus back home and the bus couldn’t go on because the police had closed off the street due to a shooting.  I know it’s not that common in San Francisco, but the fact is that it does happen here, and much more often than people would like to admit.

Anyway, food really is such an important part of my life.  It’s sad but true, but wherever I go, there will always be new and interesting food, and it will always be one of the things that I remember the most.

Is it possible to feel homesick for a place that was never technically your home?  Is there even such thing as a “home”?  I feel like I’ve spent my whole life searching for a place to call home?  Is it even a place or is it a feeling?  Cathartic.

There’s only one place in the world that I ever truly felt at home.  It’s Melbourne.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t have any family there.  I didn’t grow up there.  I have friends there, but there is more to it than that.  It’s like I feel myself dying when I am away from it.  When I am there, I feel myself living.  It makes me think of a quote from Shawshank Redemption:

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

Why do I feel like I’m getting busy dying?  I hope this feeling goes away soon.  It’s like a dull heartache.  Maybe it’s because I just got finished watching I’m Sorry, I Love You.  It had scenes from Melbourne in it… and it made me really sad.  Can you be in love with a place so much?  If the saying “home is where the heart is” is true, then my home is definitely in Melbourne.  Will I ever be able to find my way back to where I belong?  I miss it… I miss feeling that way.  I would be happier if I never went there at all.