Halloween is a very American holiday as I see it.  What interests me about Halloween is not that kids go around door to door and get candy… although candy is good too… it’s the fact that people can dress up as anything they want.  In fact, people will spend inordinate amounts of time and money in order to make costumes for themselves for Halloween.

I think Halloween is a very psychological holiday.  For some people, Halloween is a chance to further hide themselves from who they really are.  For some people, it’s a chance to try and fit in with the “crowd” or look cool/sexy to their peers.  For other people, it’s a chance to express one’s artistic flair and creativity.  Still, for other people, it is a chance to really show who you are… it’s a chance to be who you aren’t able to be in the “real” world.  To me, I’ve been really interested in this divide between the “real” world and the imaginary world, and not in the sense of The Matrix, but more in the sense of how people act around others.

So the question is whether people take the chance to dress up and show who they really are in the end.  Do they embrace their true selves, or do they use it to lock themselves further inside the box.  It’s the same choice that Neo makes when he decides to take the red pill or the blue pill.  So, which pill do you choose?

I wonder sometimes whether I am working towards what I want to do in life.  In fact, at times, I’m not quite sure what I want to do in life.  Sometimes, I’m so sure, like there is no other way to go.  Sometimes, I think that I’m just wasting my time and going nowhere.  One thing I’ve been realizing more and more, as I work for more companies, is that there is always something that bothers me about working for them.  The thing that has been on my mind is that I don’t see my future at a company anymore.  I mean, honestly, I can’t even point out one person whose job I want to do 5 years down the line.

Is this because I am not at all motivated by money?  I mean, logically, I should move into some sort of management role or senior engineering role.  On the other hand, the more I see what lead engineers and management do, the less I want to be those roles.  I’m still convinced that it is because I have poor role models.  I feel like I’m always searching for a role model, someone that can inspire me to be more than I am… to be a better person.  I haven’t found those people in the companies that I’ve worked at.

Some people have told me that I inspire them… but even people who inspire others need someone to look up to as well.  So who is my role model?  I had a professor who once said that you can always tell the pioneers by the arrows in their backs.  Do I just simply have to live with the fact that my path is not going to be the straight line that others have?  Do I have to live with this fact and deal with it alone?  I’ve always been such a proponent of individualism: the belief that one must trust in themselves above all others, that one must believe in their own skills.  So why then do I sometimes yearn for a straight path to follow?  Why do I yearn for a yellow brick road that leads to the palace?

It’s because I’m truly and honestly afraid of going off the path.  Sometimes I don’t show it… but I do envy those whose paths are so direct and planned?  On the other hand, my mind keeps telling me that the straight path will never work.  Am I so pessimistic that I see failure where I should be seeing success?  Being cynical does that sometimes.  In the end, I know my path will never be straight and I fear every turn will lead to disaster, but I know I must keep going on, because is there really any other way that I can go?

Is there something wrong with the world when the people in games and media seem more real than the people in real life?  The more and more I think about it, the more I think it’s not that bad.  I mean honestly, many people I encounter every day are all about being fake.  Fake smiles, fake bodies, fake emotions, fake relationships.  Living where I am, I notice that people here are not about being themselves, they are about being what their social status tells them to be.

It’s one of those feelings you get when you look into a bar and observe that not only is everyone dressed alike, but everyone talks alike and acts alike too.  Like I said before, I’ve observed that people are really good at talking without really talking.  It’s idle chatter that doesn’t go anywhere.  So, imagine that this is the only type of talk that someone gets every day.  Isn’t it only natural that that person turn to media such as books, movies, and games to be able to feel like they are really talking.

I know this sounds like the ramblings of a madman, but hear me out.  Is it so unrealistic to feel that media fills in an important social role that the realities of modern life leave unfulfilled?  Maybe the part that is important is that people strive for reality in real life… but failing that, they can turn to virtual people in order to stay sane.

Ragnar Tornquist recently wrote in his blog about storyplaying.  It’s a very good read which you can read here.  Anyway, it touches on a lot of points that I feel very strongly about.  One quote from Ragnar in that posting that really stands out to me is:

Stories are there to give players more than the rush, the competition, and the social interaction. Stories are there to tell the players something. It doesn’t have to be much (”friends are important”, “one person can make a difference”), but it needs to be something.

Later on one of the comments points out that non-linearity is what makes games unique.  It seems to me that what is important with non-linearity is that whatever the player wants to do, he/she can do it.  On the other hand, in order to tell good stories games need to direct the player down certain paths.  The game effectively needs to create a classic story arch for the player.

Thus, I think the key here to games is that they need to make it so that the path that is implemented is indeed the path that the player wants to choose.  For example, lets say there is a room with a red door, a blue door, and a green door.  Games need to give players enough cues (almost like foreshadowing) in order to choose a particular door color.  This ensures that the player goes down the path that will tell the best story.  In this sense, I feel Dreamfall did a fairly good job: at any point, I always knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go.

There is a push in the games industry to give players every choice under the sun.  Unfortunately this leads to a much more diluted experience.  When I buy a book, movie, or game, I’m looking to be directed to some extent.  It’s a technique called “dangling the carrot”.  Basically, in my mind, the game designer’s job is to lead the player down a path that will create the most entertaining experience.  That path should be so enticing that the player wouldn’t have wanted to go down any other path.  Whether it is considered interactive or non-linear or not, is not, and should not be the point of a game.

In conclusion, about a half year ago, I wrote up a mission statement for the type of games I wanted to make.  Written in one sleepless night, it is entitled The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of the Games Industry. It lays out what I want from the games industry, what I want to accomplish in it, and why I am where I am today.  I’ve finally decided to post it here.

There is something that has been bothering me for a while now.  It’s something that I have to deal with in real life.  When you break up with someone, is it ok to still be friends with the person, or is it better to end hating each other?  Furthermore, if you love someone that is not in love with you, is it better to let them go or to stick around in the hopes that someday it will be something more?  I started thinking about it because of this quote:

Eun-Jae: Do you remember me saying the best thing I did in my life was not holding on to your hand?  I shouldn’t have held your hand… Then…

Hyung-Sun: Then? I would’ve died.  I would’ve died… because I need your love.

Eun-Jae: I’m going to move out now.  You told me to move out slowly.  But, I can’t even do you that favor.  Remember me… the one who always hurt you, and made you lonely.  And with that memory, get rid of me… from your heart.

~Only You (Episode 11)

Some people say you can’t even just be friends with someone you are attracted to.  How sad.  There is so much to learn from both sides of a relationship.  But it definitely confuses me.  It made me remember another quote from one of my favorite Japanese dramas:

I don’t believe in platonic male-female friendship.  I once said this earlier but… a platonic male-female relationship is either bad timing or an everlasting one-sided love.

~Momo-chan to Minami, Long Vacation (Episode 9)

So therin lies the problem.  How do you know that something is bad timing as opposed to everlasting one-sided love?  In one case, it could be worth it to stick around in the hopes that one day the timing will be right.  In the other case, it is better for both parties to separate from each other forever.  It is truly a dilemma.  I wish I had an answer.

I’m going to confess… I’m addicted to Korean Dramas.  There’s something about the way the stories are told that are so true to life.  I keep finding things in them that cut to the core of raw human emotions.

Su Yeon: How can you be so understanding and patient like that?  Don’t you even get angry?

Hyun-Sun: I am angry… but it doesn’t matter.  The person who’s more in love is the weaker one.

Su Yeon: I think the one who’s more in love is the stronger one, because that person can do anything to win the love.

~Only You (Episode 8 )

Talk about the story of my life… I’ve been on both sides before, so I know what it’s like, but I’ve never felt stronger for being in love with someone.  For the longest time, I wouldn’t admit that I loved anyone… and I still don’t.

Is it because I feel weaker for feeling that way?  Is it because I feel like I’m not in control?  Maybe with the right person, you don’t feel weaker for being in love… maybe with the right person, you feel like a better you, you feel happy you are who you are.

How many people do you talk to every day?  Of those people, how many are you really talking to?  I’ve come to the realization that I’ve gotten really good at talking without really talking.  Lets see… today I talked to 1 answering machine, 1 friend, 1 person selling me a polish sausage, 1 person at Safeway, and 1 person selling me a sandwich, and my 2 roommates.  That equals a whopping total of 7 social interactions in the whole day!  And guess how many of those conversations were actually meaningful?  Maybe the one with my friend, but it was only barely. :( 

So, I know I’m not the most social person in the world, but seriously, what has happened to the meaningful conversation.  I think I’m realizing the isolation that comes along with living in a big city.  Is it just me?  It seems like there are so many people around, but so few real social interactions.  It’s like people are living in a bubble… is this what city life does to people?  What scares me is that I feel myself falling into this same trap every day I live here.  I grew up in a small suburb, and I always thought I would love living in the city.  More and more, I’m realizing that I don’t want to live in a big city.  It’s really hard for me to say this, especially since I still love a lot of what the city has to offer.  On the other hand, the whole isolation thing is really getting to me.

How can people live like this?  How can people go through a day and not feel unfulfilled due to the lack of real meaningful conversations.  Even people in relationships don’t really talk here.  I hear my roommate talk to her friends and “visitors” and it’s painful to hear due to the lack of any real content.  You know what it’s like… the type of talk you say to a girl at a bar when you are trying to pick her up.  Just when I think I’ve readjusted back to life here, something snaps me back in place.  I’m not sure what did it this time, but something made me feel this way.  I wish I had more people that I could REALLY talk to.

Yesterday I went out with some friends 3 girls and 1 guy that joined later.  Somehow the topic that all three girls were single came up and all three proceeded to bash the entire male race.  They started talking about what they want out of guys, and kept saying that guys needed to do this and that more.  What really stood out to me is the desire not for equality but for disparity.  They explained how it was always the guys’ fault for their previous relationships failing.  They wanted the guys to do more cooking, cleaning, be more sensitive, and other stuff.   On the other hand, they still wanted to maintain their roles as the one being taken care of and being paid for by the guys.  It seemed like they wanted guys to take on more of the tasks usually attributed to the females, without taking on more of the tasks usually attributed to males. 

Apparently every year, San Francisco has Fleet Week.  I’ve never been to it before, but it was a real experience.  During this weekend, I saw planes racing through gates trying to get the fastest time possible during the Red Bull Air Race.  I didn’t really think much of it at first, but once I saw the planes racing through the gates I started really getting into it.

It made me start to think, “What is it about this experience that makes it so entertaining?”  If I had seen the experience from far away, it wouldn’t have been nearly as impressive.  But what really did it for me was the announcer.  They stepped me through all of the rules of the game and even explained where the pilots made mistakes or when they did really well.  I’ve never been a big fan of racing before, but watching those planes shave half a second off of their times never seemed so fun before.

Also, there was a lot of ups and downs in the race.  One part of it had the planes fly straight up into the air and rotate 360 degrees.  They really designed the course so that the most exciting part was at the end… almost like a story arch with a climax at the end.  I guess that is what defines all good entertainment in some way or another.

I just attended a talk given by Dan Connors and Greg Land from Telltale Games.  This is significant not only because I really want to work for the company, but because I really believe in their vision for games.  So, obviously hearing them talk was something I’ve been looking forward to.  A little bit of background on Telltale Games: they were started by a bunch of ex-Lucasarts employees (most of which were working on the now cancelled Sam N Max).  Anyway, the talk was not about Sam N Max, but about a recent project they did for Ubisoft, CSI.

The things I found most interesting were the emphasis on story and characters.  Also, seeing a brief glimpse of the tools they use was great too (I wish they had shown more).  In any case, I think Telltale has a long way to go, but man I love their vision!  A while ago, when I was in Australia, I wrote a mission statement about what I wanted out of the games industry.  It seems that Telltale has a very similar mission statement to mine.  The plan is to one day accomplish everything I set out in the mission statement.  Maybe that one day is soon.

I’ve played one of Telltale’s games called Bone.  Personally, I didn’t think it was a good game, but I could definitely see the beginnings of where they were going.  That’s what I love about this company, I know they aren’t doing things perfect right now, but they keep iterating on it and working on it.  I definitely see them making some great leaps in terms of storytelling in games in the future.

Update: Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was struck by the presentation by Telltale Games, click here to see GameGirlAdvance’s take on it.