I recently read an article by Dan Savage entitled The Dating Game.  Though I don’t really agree with the direction of it (I’m more of a fan of “honest and open” relationships instead of “read my mind” relationships), the article touches on a lot of good points that explain why I am the way I am.

Since I make games all day at work, I’m not a big fan of playing “games” in a relationship.  I guess what bothers me about playing “games” in a relationship sense is that it is all a show.  It is about being someone you aren’t normally and doing something you don’t normally do.  At my core, I’m morally opposed to being anyone besides who I am.  If I lose myself, then I have nothing.

What the article above points out is that a lot of what people call romance, love, and courtship are actually “games”.  My take on it is that these “games” are not real love.  These are things that people do to attract people, but they are not the qualities that people should be looking for in a lasting relationship.  Dan Savage writes:

Playing games shows that you can read another person.  But just as importantly, playing games convinces that other person that you are considerate enough to make the effort to read them in the first place.

Communication is such a big issue in many relationships.  If people can’t communicate with each other about how they feel and expect the other person to “read” them, what happens when one person in the relationship “reads” the other person incorrectly?  This is my problem with putting on a show.  At some point, the show will end… then what are you left with?  You are left with someone who has no real identity outside of the show.  It has nothing to do with being considerate or not, and it has everything to do with what type of relationship you want.

Is it hard to find someone that you can really communicate with?  Definitely, but that is what we should all be striving for in the end.  Not a mind reader.

I know this isn’t cutting to the gist of the article, but something about reading the article by Michelle Clay entitled On Being a Girl in the Games Industry got me thinking.  I don’t have much to comment about the article, except for the fact that in general I agree with it.  I mean, I know that a glass ceiling still exists in this industry, but for the most part, people in the companies I’ve worked for have treated the males and females relatively equally.  Anyway, what I really wanted to discuss was this quote:

Back when I was a wee intern at LucasArts, I had an epiphany.  “Most of the employees here are young males who share my geeky obsessions.” I thought.  “If I ever want a date, I can practically have my pick!”

The reason I find this interesting is the idea that geeky guys might actually be attractive to girls.  I mean, I guess I would consider myself a bit geeky: I play role playing games, board games, video games, like programming, and enjoy science and technology.  But, I have never really viewed this as an advantage for me.  I’ve always believed that if I did what I loved, if I did what I was passionate about, I would meet someone who is equally passionate about the same things.  Unfortunately, I tend to be passionate in a field that has less than 10% females.  So, have I met a lot of girls that like geeky guys?  I’d have to say no.  Is this because of where I live… where big cars, big muscles, and fat wallets mean everything?  Maybe, or maybe it’s because there is not a proper venue for geeky girls to meet geeky guys.

More and more, I’ve come to not feel ashamed for liking the things I like.  More and more, I’m realizing it’s a integral part of who I am.  Sometimes I feel like I was born a decade too early, because most girls of my age don’t play video games.  I feel like girls from a decade later than me are being immersed in this new media.  They can respect, admire, and most importantly play video games.  I feel like this is such an inherent part of me.  Will I one day be able to lock up my geeky tendencies into a small box and throw away the key just to be “compatable” with someone?  Or, will I embrace who I am and continue on with the hermit-like existence I lead?  Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to be passionate about things, especially if it makes it hard to love and be loved.

My grandmother passed away today.  I’m not sure how I should feel.  Should I feel sad, should I feel depressed, should I feel relieved?  I don’t know how I feel.  I don’t know how I should feel.  I visited her just about 3 weeks ago, and I knew I would never see her again.  It had been 8 long years, since I last saw her.  I was never very close to her, but still… it’s hard to say goodbye.  It’s hard to say goodbye.  It’s hard to say goodbye.  So I don’t know how I should feel.  I lost something today that I will never get back.  I am glad I got to see her before she passed away.  It was inevitable.

I gained something today too.  I went with some friends on this speed-dating thing… more to just try it out and say that I’ve experienced it.  We basically got to meet close to 20 people for 5 minutes each.  It wasn’t great, but I gained some perspective.  In any case, it was a shared experience with my friends and it led to some interesting conversations with them.  That more than anything is what I gained from this.  I never expected to actually meet anyone by only talking to them for 5 minutes.  I still hold that belief even after having done it.  In the end though, I gained some experience from it, I learned how to be a better talker with strangers, and had a good laugh with my friends.  We’ll see if I gained anything else from this whole debacle.

For those who know me, this is a familiar state for me to be in.  I’m confused!  I’m not sure I know why or how I got into this state… well, alright, I do know why I’m confused.  But, it’s not easy for me to explain it.

If everything were clear, if everything were straightforward, would life be as fun?  But then again, I wouldn’t be sad like I am now.  I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life.  For that, I am so grateful.  The confusion comes when I want to be with someone, when I want to be somewhere, but I just can’t for some reason.  And sometimes, the desire to be with a person, means you have to hurt other people in the process.

I’m not sure if I will ever understand this myself.  There are things that I need out of any relationship, be it friends or something more.  And, I strive for these things with every fibre of my being.  Reminds me of a quote from Great Expectations:

Lets say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand she was taught to fear - Let’s say she was taught to fear daylight.  She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her.  And then one sunny day… you ask her to go outside and play, and she won’t.  You can’t be angry at her, can you?

Well, I’ve seen the sunlight, and I’ve spent a long time looking in the dark trying to find the sunlight again.

I just discovered this site that does facial recognition on pictures and tells you what celebrity you most closely match.  You can try it for yourself at MyHeritage.com.  I tried it out on two different pictures and the results I got were startling!

So this is a wierd coincidence.  Both of the people that I matched up with most were Korean.  In fact, I’ve seen several of the Korean dramas that Bae Yong-jun has been in.  I still haven’t seen any of the Korean dramas that Kim Tae Hee is in.  I guess what is wierd is that I am neither Korean nor a famous TV actor.  On the other hand, I have recently become more and more fascinated with Korean culture.  I wonder if somehow I’m actually Korean.

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting to see how my face just happened to match up with two famous Korean drama stars.  I’ve had people tell me I look like Bae Yong-jun, but when an objective computer program says I look like him, it can’t be wrong… or at least I look 72% like him!

I think life can be summed up as a series of attachments and detachments.  In the womb, you are attached.  When you are born, you are detached.  As you form emotional bonds with people you are attached, and as you leave them behind you are detached.  Death is the ultimate detachment.  And, if there is an afterlife, maybe there is an attachment again.

Every action is filled with attachments and detachments.  I went back to Taiwan to say goodbye to my grandmother.  I was never very close, but I still felt the ache of detachment.  Everyone dies, not everyone lives.  What surprised me about all of this was not the detachment part.  I was very well prepared for it already.  What surprised me about going back to Taiwan was that I became attached to people.

I don’t understand it.  I haven’t been back in over 8 years, yet somehow along the way, someone developed in a totally different environment yet she somehow ended up being very similar (or at least very compatible).  So, I know this is a major no-no, but this is my blog, and I can say anything I want on it.  I met up with one of my cousins and she had learned to speak English, and really well.  Anyway, I got to talking to her, and I was amazed at the way she made me feel.  I felt like I could talk to her about anything.  It’s that feeling you get when you have been trapped indoors all day and night and you step outside for the first time to finally see the morning sunlight.  I know I don’t belong in Taiwan… everyday I was reminded about how much I don’t belong in Taiwan.  But what really struck me about this cousin was how much she made me feel like I belonged.  After only 2 days, it seemed like the lost memories of 8 years didn’t matter anymore.

So, I couldn’t help but feel attracted to her.  She had all of the qualities that I looked for in a partner.  She kept saying how much I reminded her of her boyfriend (which didn’t help much).  In any case, I know I can never be with her (or can I?) afterall she is my first cousin, but it made me realize what it was like to be around a person like that again.  Time fades all things.  When you haven’t felt the sunlight for so long, you begin to forget what having sunlight warm your skin feels like.  You forget what it means to belong again.  And maybe you settle for situations where you don’t quite belong.

I think meeting my cousin after 8 years made me realize what it felt like to be really attached to someone.  I don’t mean attachment as in marriage or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  No.  I mean something much deeper than that.  An emotional attachment.  It’s an attachment that has nothing to do with laws or money.  It has to do with how you feel around someone.  Some people have a gift to make you feel at home.  My cousin has it.  There are very few people that I have ever felt this open with.  I build big walls not by choice but by necessity.  In this world where emotions are dangerous, you learn to hide your emotions behind a thick facade of contentment.  Every once in a while someone or something can peer beyond this facade I create and see who I really am.

While I long for someone to see and embrace the part of me behind the wall, I am equally afraid of what ridicule and shame and humiliation I might incur if these real emotions were discovered.  I’m tired of hiding, but at the same time I am scared.  I form attachments with people, but how many of them can come close to breaking the wall that I create?  I can count them on one hand.