Angel has done a 10 day meditation before where you sit in the forest and don’t do anything but meditate for 10 days.  This means, no video games, no TV, no internet, and no talking.  Also, you are not supposed to be sleeping while you are meditating.  I couldn’t imagine myself doing that.  The boredom would drive me crazy.  That’s the problem with my mind… it always has to be thinking or doing something.  It never shuts off.  It would be convenient if I had a switch, and oftentimes, I have wished for a switch to turn it off.

So, now this relates to my current situation.  I’m trapped in Singapore for Christmas, no one I know is around, and I’m in one of the most boring and mind-numbing places I could have imagined.  My business partner, Jaff, whose place I was staying at, kicked me out of his place since his family is around, so now I’m living on the office couch.  So now I’m spending Christmas alone, in the office, typing up this blog entry.  I guess you could say that this is definitely one of the lowest points of my life.

On the other hand, I got to thinking about the meditation session that Angel did.  In 4 more days, I move out of this place and I’m not looking back.  By the time I get out of here, I will have stayed in Singapore in relative isolation for almost 9 days.  I can tell you that the 5 days that have passed, I’ve gone without any meaningful social interaction all day.  I just stay in the office, surf the web, read a book, sleep.  I know it’s not meditation, but maybe it’s the closest that I can get without going crazy.  In any case, it’s definitely a struggle, but it gives me time to think.  It’s nice to just be in a place with no one else around… believe me, it’s pretty difficult in Asia since there are too many people everywhere.

So like a double edged sword, this story may have a happy ending.  I’m biding my time until the end.  4 days seems like an eternity, but I’ve been waiting an eternity for what will come next, so it’s well worth the wait.  I’m happy to get out of this country.  They say that things grow on you the longer you are there.  Singapore never grew on me… and I’m quite happy to let it grow on someone else.  I learned a good lesson coming here and trying to start a business.  I learned about business, but I also learned about living.  Both were not the direction I wanted to go in, but if I hadn’t tried then I wouldn’t have known.

Everyone does it… but I really don’t like to do it.  I would be denying it if I said I didn’t though.  What I am talking about is comparing yourself to others.  Especially with things like Facebook and Friendster, it’s really easy to find out what has happened to friends from high school, college, past jobs, etc.

So what is it about me, about human nature, that every time I see my friends doing great stuff in the world, I think “what if I followed that same path through life?”

• I have friends who are now mid level managers in the corporate ladder, friends who are now senior programmers or even leads of certain areas.
• I have friends who are just now getting their PhDs and ready to teach.
• I have friends who are fulltime professors.
• I have friends who are just now beginning to travel around the world.
• I have friends who are married, have kids, and own their own house.
• I have friends making 3 or 4 times as much as I am going after the money instead of their non-money making passion.

So here I am, the transient… the person who decided to veer off and pursue their penny-less existence as an artist.  Here I am with a loan bigger than a down payment on a moderate sized house.  Sometimes I feel like I’m being left behind… or maybe I am trapped in a stage of my life that these people have already passed a long time ago.

Would I be happier if I worked a better paying job, less fullfilling, giving me a chance to do management, and possibly living in a place I am much happier?  They say that the cost of your decisions is the road not taken.  In economic terms, it’s the opportunity cost.

If I had gone the corporate route, climbed the ladder, I could be a lead programmer now.  My resume could look a lot better, I have no doubt about it.  But honestly, it’s hard for me to care what other people think, especially what other companies think.  I have never had a problem with employment, but sometimes I wonder whether my crazed country and company hopping will eventually come back and bite me.

In any case, it is always in the back of my mind whether I took the right path.  There are moments in my life when I believe that I have no regrets.  In the bagful of marbles, a few will succeed and shine and many will be left behind.  Would I be happier if I had taken the steady route to success, instead of my haphazard romp to find meaning in life?  I think the ultimate answer is No.  I think looking at all my friends doing great stuff in the world shouldn’t make me jealous.  What matters is that I took the risks.  I know that I will never wonder if I was too safe.  Even if I don’t end up a shining star, I know that I tried a road less travelled.  And, as the Robert Frost poem goes: And that has made all the difference.

I started watching one of my favorite Japanese/Korean dramas again.  It was the one that got me started on the drama craze.  In any case, it’s wierd how good stories somehow find a way to relate to your current situation.  Here’s a quote from the drama Long Vacation:

I was alone on my 27th birthday.
I had just broken up with someone.
When I was pondering about being alone,
Asakura called me at midnight.

The second it was my birthday.
He wanted to be the first one to wish me Happy Birthday.
We started seeing each other after that.

Then I turned 28, 29, and 30.
I had three birthdays and each time,
at midnight before anyone else, he would wish me Happy Birthday.

I thought it would go on forever.

How wonderful.

~Long Vacation, Minami to Sena, Episode 1

I just got back from a month of travelling.  Back to Melbourne, then met up with my girlfriend to travel to Kuala Lumpur, Phuket, Phnom Penh, Siem Reap, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai.  Now I’m back in Singapore for 10 more days before I move to Kuala Lumpur while my girlfriend is traveling to Shanghai over the holidays.  Ten days, where I get to celebrate Christmas alone in a country I can’t stand.

It’s hard to be apart from someone once you have spent so much time with them.  It’s like a hole has opened up… something that needs to be filled.  I do miss her, but I also want her to have fun while she is travelling.  I don’t want her to miss me on Christmas, but I can’t help but miss her.  To make matters worse, I’ve never felt more poor and homeless than I have right now.  I’m living in my office, since my business partner’s family is visiting and I can’t stay at his place anymore.  It’s only 10 days, but so much has changed about this company.

I’ve come to realize how big the cultural gap between me and my business partner is.  Not only in terms of nationality, but especially wealth and job function.  I think the last two are the things that get me the most.  My business partner, Jaff doesn’t seem to understand how much his emphasis on class and money negatively impacts me and the business we are trying to start.  Ultimately, I think these differences will force one of us out of this company, or most likely cause this venture to fail.

In any case, there are more pressing issues that are on my mind now.  I’m taking the next big step with my relationship with my girlfriend, and I plan on moving in with her up in Kuala Lumpur.  Since I am feeling that this company is not my baby anymore, I feel I need to distance myself from it.  I have two choices:

1. Move back to Melbourne
   I will be in a place that I love with good friends.
   I will be apart from Angel.
   Looking into the visa issues, it would be really hard for her to be able to move to Melbourne with me.
   I will be able to distance myself from this company and start working again on things that matter to me.
2. Move to Kuala Lumpur
   I much prefer Kuala Lumpur to Singapore, but still don’t like it as much as Melbourne.
   I have no friends in Kuala Lumpur.
   I will be with Angel.
   After 1 year of living together, we can get declared as de-facto spouses and migrate to Australia together.
   I will be able to distance myself from this company and start working again on things that matter to me.

So, I’ve decided to move to Kuala Lumpur, it’s a gamble that I hope will work out down the line.  I have some key people that I know in Australia that I would really like to do a startup with, but as of this moment they are not ready.  I think of doing a startup like an egg.  You need to find the right people, and the right people have to be at the right time in their lives.  I know some key people, but they are still in the incubation stage.  It may be several years before they hatch.  I’m not sure what stage I will be in when that happens, but I have a window of time, and I am hoping that it works out.

As for Angel, she keeps telling me that I should just move back to Melbourne.  And, to be honest, if it weren’t for her, I would move back for sure at this point.  The main reason for me being in this area was the company.  Since I am losing interest in this venture and I mentally can’t live in Singapore any longer, it makes sense for me to move back.  The only problem is, I would never know what it is like to live with Angel.  I explained it to her that this is really the only chance we have for us to see whether this relationship can/will go further.  It is the only chance we have to live together.  I know we are both worried that the strain of me living in Kuala Lumpur will cause the relationship to deteriorate.  This is also the first time I have ever lived with a girlfriend before.  From her past experience, Angel said that everything changes once you live together.

The thing that makes me think that this is the right choice is that I still believe that people shouldn’t waste time being in a relationship if it is not meant to be.  Living together with Angel is the fastest way for me to know whether this relationship is meant to be.  If I moved to Melbourne now, it may take years of my life to find out whether we would work out.  It’s a scary thought… and I know we are both afraid of what might happen, but we both need to know before we waste too many years on a relationship that might not work.  Right now, I love being with Angel, but I’m objective about this relationship.  If we are truly meant to be with each other, I want to find out as soon as possible.  If we aren’t meant to be with each other, I want to find out as soon as possible too.  If I live with her for a year and still feel the same about her, then I will have my answer.