Everyone does it… but I really don’t like to do it.  I would be denying it if I said I didn’t though.  What I am talking about is comparing yourself to others.  Especially with things like Facebook and Friendster, it’s really easy to find out what has happened to friends from high school, college, past jobs, etc.

So what is it about me, about human nature, that every time I see my friends doing great stuff in the world, I think “what if I followed that same path through life?”

• I have friends who are now mid level managers in the corporate ladder, friends who are now senior programmers or even leads of certain areas.
• I have friends who are just now getting their PhDs and ready to teach.
• I have friends who are fulltime professors.
• I have friends who are just now beginning to travel around the world.
• I have friends who are married, have kids, and own their own house.
• I have friends making 3 or 4 times as much as I am going after the money instead of their non-money making passion.

So here I am, the transient… the person who decided to veer off and pursue their penny-less existence as an artist.  Here I am with a loan bigger than a down payment on a moderate sized house.  Sometimes I feel like I’m being left behind… or maybe I am trapped in a stage of my life that these people have already passed a long time ago.

Would I be happier if I worked a better paying job, less fullfilling, giving me a chance to do management, and possibly living in a place I am much happier?  They say that the cost of your decisions is the road not taken.  In economic terms, it’s the opportunity cost.

If I had gone the corporate route, climbed the ladder, I could be a lead programmer now.  My resume could look a lot better, I have no doubt about it.  But honestly, it’s hard for me to care what other people think, especially what other companies think.  I have never had a problem with employment, but sometimes I wonder whether my crazed country and company hopping will eventually come back and bite me.

In any case, it is always in the back of my mind whether I took the right path.  There are moments in my life when I believe that I have no regrets.  In the bagful of marbles, a few will succeed and shine and many will be left behind.  Would I be happier if I had taken the steady route to success, instead of my haphazard romp to find meaning in life?  I think the ultimate answer is No.  I think looking at all my friends doing great stuff in the world shouldn’t make me jealous.  What matters is that I took the risks.  I know that I will never wonder if I was too safe.  Even if I don’t end up a shining star, I know that I tried a road less travelled.  And, as the Robert Frost poem goes: And that has made all the difference.

I started watching one of my favorite Japanese/Korean dramas again.  It was the one that got me started on the drama craze.  In any case, it’s wierd how good stories somehow find a way to relate to your current situation.  Here’s a quote from the drama Long Vacation:

I was alone on my 27th birthday.
I had just broken up with someone.
When I was pondering about being alone,
Asakura called me at midnight.

The second it was my birthday.
He wanted to be the first one to wish me Happy Birthday.
We started seeing each other after that.

Then I turned 28, 29, and 30.
I had three birthdays and each time,
at midnight before anyone else, he would wish me Happy Birthday.

I thought it would go on forever.

How wonderful.

~Long Vacation, Minami to Sena, Episode 1

I just got back from a month of travelling.  Back to Melbourne, then met up with my girlfriend to travel to Kuala Lumpur, Phuket, Phnom Penh, Siem Reap, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai.  Now I’m back in Singapore for 10 more days before I move to Kuala Lumpur while my girlfriend is traveling to Shanghai over the holidays.  Ten days, where I get to celebrate Christmas alone in a country I can’t stand.

It’s hard to be apart from someone once you have spent so much time with them.  It’s like a hole has opened up… something that needs to be filled.  I do miss her, but I also want her to have fun while she is travelling.  I don’t want her to miss me on Christmas, but I can’t help but miss her.  To make matters worse, I’ve never felt more poor and homeless than I have right now.  I’m living in my office, since my business partner’s family is visiting and I can’t stay at his place anymore.  It’s only 10 days, but so much has changed about this company.

I’ve come to realize how big the cultural gap between me and my business partner is.  Not only in terms of nationality, but especially wealth and job function.  I think the last two are the things that get me the most.  My business partner, Jaff doesn’t seem to understand how much his emphasis on class and money negatively impacts me and the business we are trying to start.  Ultimately, I think these differences will force one of us out of this company, or most likely cause this venture to fail.

In any case, there are more pressing issues that are on my mind now.  I’m taking the next big step with my relationship with my girlfriend, and I plan on moving in with her up in Kuala Lumpur.  Since I am feeling that this company is not my baby anymore, I feel I need to distance myself from it.  I have two choices:

1. Move back to Melbourne
   I will be in a place that I love with good friends.
   I will be apart from Angel.
   Looking into the visa issues, it would be really hard for her to be able to move to Melbourne with me.
   I will be able to distance myself from this company and start working again on things that matter to me.
2. Move to Kuala Lumpur
   I much prefer Kuala Lumpur to Singapore, but still don’t like it as much as Melbourne.
   I have no friends in Kuala Lumpur.
   I will be with Angel.
   After 1 year of living together, we can get declared as de-facto spouses and migrate to Australia together.
   I will be able to distance myself from this company and start working again on things that matter to me.

So, I’ve decided to move to Kuala Lumpur, it’s a gamble that I hope will work out down the line.  I have some key people that I know in Australia that I would really like to do a startup with, but as of this moment they are not ready.  I think of doing a startup like an egg.  You need to find the right people, and the right people have to be at the right time in their lives.  I know some key people, but they are still in the incubation stage.  It may be several years before they hatch.  I’m not sure what stage I will be in when that happens, but I have a window of time, and I am hoping that it works out.

As for Angel, she keeps telling me that I should just move back to Melbourne.  And, to be honest, if it weren’t for her, I would move back for sure at this point.  The main reason for me being in this area was the company.  Since I am losing interest in this venture and I mentally can’t live in Singapore any longer, it makes sense for me to move back.  The only problem is, I would never know what it is like to live with Angel.  I explained it to her that this is really the only chance we have for us to see whether this relationship can/will go further.  It is the only chance we have to live together.  I know we are both worried that the strain of me living in Kuala Lumpur will cause the relationship to deteriorate.  This is also the first time I have ever lived with a girlfriend before.  From her past experience, Angel said that everything changes once you live together.

The thing that makes me think that this is the right choice is that I still believe that people shouldn’t waste time being in a relationship if it is not meant to be.  Living together with Angel is the fastest way for me to know whether this relationship is meant to be.  If I moved to Melbourne now, it may take years of my life to find out whether we would work out.  It’s a scary thought… and I know we are both afraid of what might happen, but we both need to know before we waste too many years on a relationship that might not work.  Right now, I love being with Angel, but I’m objective about this relationship.  If we are truly meant to be with each other, I want to find out as soon as possible.  If we aren’t meant to be with each other, I want to find out as soon as possible too.  If I live with her for a year and still feel the same about her, then I will have my answer.

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You’re a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about the things you’ll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you…..

Oh, I’ve been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don’t just walk away
‘Cause I have this need to tell you why I’m all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won’t you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies….

~Priscilla Queen of the Desert: the Musical, I’ve Never Been to Me

I saw the musical Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and that line from the song really hit me.  It’s a constant worry on my mind.  I travel so much, and I see so many places.  But, it means I leave a lot of people behind along the way… people that I really care for, people that may not be there when I get back.  Is my quest for freedom, going to leave me alone and lonely in the end?  Will I end up realizing that everything I wanted from travelling is within me?

I think that is what the song is about.  It’s about the realization that everything I have, and everything I ever need is within me.  That paradise that I am travelling the world to find… it’s not in Melbourne or any place for that matter.  It’s the one place that you can’t buy a ticket to and visit.  It’s the one place that is hardest to find in the end.

I hope one day I can find that happiness within myself… but until then, I will keep on searching the only way I know how.  I can only hope that this journey to find my happiness won’t leave me alone and depressed.

It’s a constant battle for me.  There are those lucky few that never have to fight this battle… that never have to make the choice: the choice between people and place.  Many people have told me that it’s not the place that matters as long as you are with the right people.  I used to think exactly the same thing.  Now I realize that people can make a good place better.  People can make a bad place bearable.  But, without both the people and the place, you will not be happy.

I read this article recently about what makes a city a happy place.  I guess there is this emerging research being done on how to measure “happiness.”  I find it really intriguing.  It seems that place does have some factor in determining the happiness of the people who live there.

So I’m in a dilemma.  I have the choice to move to a place that I really love.  A place that makes me happy just by being there.  I have friends there too, but I can make friends wherever I go.  What is tough is that Angel is up here, in a place that I don’t feel as happy in.  Can I ever be as happy here as the place I want to move?  Will I be happy if the person who makes me happiest is not with me in the place that makes me happiest?  Will I be happy if I am with the person who makes me happiest but I am not in the place that makes me happiest?  Is it even possible to have both at the same time?

These are the questions that have been bugging me recently.  I don’t have the answer, but I will be forced to make a decision soon.  I am like a scientist, trying out different things and experimenting.  Luckily, Angel is also experimental and understands that experimenting means that you will reach a lot of dead ends before you figure out the formula that works.  I’m so lucky I am with someone that will be with me to figure things out together.  There just aren’t many people like that in the world.

I’ve determined that Singapore is a “Look, But Don’t Touch” society.  What do I mean by this?  It’s purely in reference to the people.  A lot of people have said that Singaporeans are attractive.  I’m a bit biased because beauty on the outside means very little to me.  I’m much more attracted to interesting personalities… people with dreams, ambitions, and risk takers.  So in terms of the Singaporeans themselves, the girls seem to spend so much time making themselves look pretty, and so little time actually making their personalities pretty.  So for me, I find the girls extremely ugly here.  For others, they think that they are in paradise.

So what do I mean by the don’t touch part?  Well take a look at these statistics:

Lovers in Japan are the least amorous, having sex just 45 times a year. Nations among the least sexually active include Singapore (73), India (75) and Indonesia (77)

~Durex Global Sex Survey 2005

I think that is self explanatory.  Singaporeans have less sex than vacations I take in a year!  I’m sure some people are just fine with a society like this… but honestly, it’s not for everyone.  I’m sure you can just chalk this up to cultural differences, but to me, there is something really wrong about the way people interact in this city/state.

I have a wierd concept of home. My “home” is the U.S. It’s where I grew up. It’s where I went to school. But it’s not where I belong. Being in Singapore makes me realize that Singapore isn’t where I belong either. I have to go home.

I hope I can find my way back there someday.

I’ve talked with several other expats here in Singapore and a lot of them… especially in the creative fields talk about being worried about “losing their edge” here. I am starting to feel the same way. How important is it for a creative person to be surrounded by other creative people? Can a creative person be just as creative in a vacuum?

These are the questions occupying my mind now. In fact, I have a real world example of someone I think has lost their edge. There was once a girl that I really liked who moved to Singapore, Dee. When I met her again after one year, I noticed something really different about her. Something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time. But it had something to do with her dreaminess, her creativity, her passion and flair for life. All of those were severely deteriorated or non-existent. I just assumed that she had changed. It really didn’t matter anymore since I met my current girlfriend and am quite happy with her.

Now that I look back on it, I think the environment of Singapore, so devoid of free thoughts and creative expression really had a large impact on her personality today. She’ll never admit it, and I will never tell her… but it’s a really tangible thing. I hope that after one year here, the same thing doesn’t happen to me. I’ve gotta fight it with every breath I breathe. There’s something about the culture of conformity here that stifles the very creativity that the government is trying to promote.

The government wants creativity because they feel it is an economic benefit to the country to have creativity, but they do no want it to impact the orderly society they have worked so hard to maintain. The question comes up: Is this even possible? Is creativity possible within conformity? Like I said, I feel more uninspired now than I have felt in a long time. The only people who truly understand this are the expats. After talking with a few of them, I know now I am not alone.

It was wrong for my business partner to mislead me into thinking I was crazy for not loving it here. He is really slimey in that way. He will try and convince people of something because it is advantageous to him or his endeavors. Business people, it figures.

In the end, what really worries me is that I will not be able to get back my edge once I leave Singapore.  I know that my creativity is getting duller here.  What remains to be seen is if I can get it back somehow and someway… or (and I really hope not) this may be a permanent change.

I’d like to think that I live my life in a logical way to some extent… well at least it makes a lot of sense to me.  Right now I’m doing this startup with a “friend” of mine.  Now, I’m sure you can tell how that is going with the fact that I put quotes around the “friend” part.

Well anyway, I think about my life and some of the decisions that I’ve made and I wonder whether I made the right choices in my life.  And I think I’m pretty certain that everything in my past has been resolved at this point.  My most recent decision… the one to come here and startup a company with this “friend” in Singapore… I’m still debating about.

The reason this is a conundrum is that even though my girlfriend is nearby… she told me to make this decision without taking her into account.  I totally agreed with her.  So without thinking about the advantages of being near her, I still decided to come here to Singapore and start this company with this “friend” I barely knew.  I’ve been here only about a month and a half, and already I am seeing some major cracks in the foundation that is this company.  I still plan on seeing it through for at least a year, but I feel like I’m slowly dying inside.  Here’s the breakdown:

1. Business: The business is going so-so.  I’m starting to believe less and less in the idea and that it will honestly work.  Furthermore, I’m not sure I trust my business partner.  I get the feeling all he cares about with this venture is money and he will stab me in the back the first chance he gets when he doesn’t need me anymore.  If I leave after a year, I basically wasted a good year of my life.
2. Life: This is a conglomeration of many factors, but I realize that I’m not happy here.  I’ve met some Singaporeans whom I don’t have much in common with.  I don’t like the location at all, and, no Singapore isn’t growing on me.  And, I’m starting to lose my strong sense of identity in this conformist society.  I long for someone to stand up and just yell at the top of their lungs “I’m an individual!!!”  Coming to Singapore makes me even miss living in the US.  At least there is freedom.  Singaporeans don’t seem to mind that they are told how to live, their media gets censored, and soon their private lives might be open to the government (i.e. ODEX for example).
3. Relationship: I’ve never been happier in terms of my relationship with anyone before.  I go up to visit my girlfriend in Kuala Lumpur twice a month and I have to say I love every minute of it.  If I hadn’t come to Singapore, would we still be together?  Would I still feel this way about her?  Would we have really known each other at that point?  I feel like I understand her so much more now that I’m here.

Anyway, so that’s what it comes down to… the reason I came to Singapore isn’t turning out the way I planned (i.e. the career).  Also, I’m getting really depressed in my life here.  I’m still looking for a place to stay, but I think I’m generally disatisfied with the way of life here.  Finally, my relationship is really a bright point in my life.  Angel has been with me despite all my whingeing about Singapore and work.  She’s still so supportive.  Sometimes I worry that she will just break down and tell me to shut up, if she is just pretending to be supportive.  I guess that’s the true test of a good relationship.  Any relationship can survive when both people are happy, but can it also survive during the darkest hours?

I still believe I can make it for a year here.  It’s more a challenge to myself than anything.  At one point I was thinking of living in Bangladesh for a year.  If I can’t live in Singapore, then I think I would really wonder how many places in the world I could live in.  I need to do this for myself.  This company is quickly becoming something that is not mine.  I wish I could steer it more but my business partner is pretty inflexible and naive at this point.  It’s hard to work with people that have never worked in games before… they always think things magically get done.  But even more than that, I didn’t realize how badly my business partner’s personality clashes with mine.  He’s kinda the type of person I don’t want to associate with (maybe I’ll explain more about that later).

By December, my girlfriend will leave her current job.  What will she do?  I wonder… I will support her wherever she goes.  I just don’t know if I will be physically there wherever she goes. :(  So many unanswered questions.  It’s exciting to try and find out the answers.

Obviously all of my waking time is consumed with thinking about why I’m in Singapore these days. I’m still trying, but more and more I’m just starting to feel like I’m giving up trying. I don’t belong here, but I will just deal with it. I’ll just accept the fact that I have no social life. I’ll go along with the flow and just become the model no U-turning, no free thinking, law abiding Singaporean. Follow the rules! The rules are your friends. I used to be worried that I was losing my creativity and very uninspired here.

The longer I stay here, the more I just don’t want to fight it anymore. I’ll just go to work and do a less than optimal job trying to be creative in an uncreative world. I’ll just follow the path that millions of Singaporeans follow every day.

1. Work is my life! Why you not working? Hard work = success = respect = better than your lazy ass.
2. Creativity? What that? You no make money from creativity!
3. Degrees, degrees, degrees… will make sure to mention them to make you impressed.
4. Shop, Eat, Work, Shop, Eat, Work. Is there really anything more to life? Sad
5. Live in super small HDB and like it la?

Obviously I’m a little bitter, and of course it’s bad to generalize… but I am starting to feel myself just giving up on being an individual. Just integrate and lose everything that I love about who I am. I imagine it’s a similar group mentality that drove the Germans to follow Hitler. Just do as you are told, and things will be good.

I really hope this isn’t a permanent change. I really hope I don’t lose all drive to creative pursuits because of being here.  I feel myself going on autopilot.  I hate going on autopilot.